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Monday, December 17

there's a time for LMN....

I know I've been quiet. When I have big struggles going on inside my head and heart I have a tendency to disappear from my blog, email, facebook -- everywhere. I kind of disappear into myself and away from what I do. I know that's not the best way -- but having all the distractions doesn't help me work it out.

My struggles are mostly with myself.
my art.
my career.
where am I going with this.
and even.
why do I bother. sometimes. many times all the time. these are the questions that run like a freight train through my head. why.  who wants it? who do you do this for? you? me? them?
And then I have a day where I can't bring myself to get dressed. i'm exhausted -- both physically and emotionally. Lifetime Movie Network stays on all day.  the couch is my best friend along with my sweet dog that snuggles next to my side and doesn't judge. she just loves me -- pajamas or dressed, teeth brushed or not, for what I am.

and I ask myself. why can't I love me that way. completely. whole-heartedly, unconditionally? why do I doubt and question what I do. why can't I just do it? do all artists have this persistent self-doubt?


on these days I find myself drawing.  scribbling. doodling. finding a place for my emotions to rest. I look at this time of quietness and reflection as a way of letting things rest until they are really ready to be poured.

I've been trying to come to a place of acceptance to where I am now, where I want to go and why I do this. the quietness is a way of letting what I have done in the past mature, percolate. the drawing is sort of a meditation process. a way of connecting with patterns in the world and putting them on paper.

 

it feels like when I let that solitude and contemplation do it's own thing,  art like this happens. yes. I admit it -- I used my pencil but I erased it so shhhhh don't tell Alex. After a day like this I come back refreshed and ready to grasp all that this business has to offer.

I think the lengthy break I took from the brightly painted journal pages i created in the spring/summer has brought me to this. I'm not sure where to go with it now, but I have a few ideas.

I think we all NEED time for inner reflection.
What do you do when you need some time to work out troubles in your life?

THANKS for stopping by - have a GREAT day and stay warm -- it's snowing out there! 

7 comments:

  1. I'm loving your doodles. Wow, that kinda sounds kinky! LOL. But seriously, great drawings. You are so multi-talented my friend!!!!!

    c

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  2. I often have to fight off that "what's the point" thought that creeps in from time to time, but it seems to help to remind myself of just that: it has come and it has gone and will probably always return and go again. I just need to wait a minute.

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  3. CJS 2013 brought me to your website. To answer your Q about what I do to work out troubles in life, I journal. I have an online journal (livejournal) for years now. Whatever mood I have on that day, I write it. I've been wanting to jumpstart on painting and do collage or just do something on paper even scrapbook my day, but with a 2 year old, it's hard...maybe someday. What I can only do right now is taking Polaroids or take pictures of my kids when "moment" is in front of me. :-)

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  4. CJS 2013 brought me to your website. To answer your Q about what I do to work out troubles in life, I journal. I have an online journal (livejournal) for years now. Whatever mood I have on that day, I write it. I've been wanting to jumpstart on painting and do collage or just do something on paper even scrapbook my day, but with a 2 year old, it's hard...maybe someday. What I can only do right now is taking Polaroids or take pictures of my kids when "moment" is in front of me. :-)

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  5. Your thoughts sound very familiar-even down to the lifetime movies :) it's good to know we all have the same thoughts/struggles in our creative life-thanks for sharing.

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  6. Ditto what Donna j said... She took the words right out of my fingers! You don't know how nice it is to see someone who may understand the thoughts I was just having yesterday... And the cycles my life / creativity go through

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